Tag Archives: suicidal thoughts

Diary of an Abused Woman Part 4

The diary entry that follows is purely fictional. None of the situations expressed are linked to actual persons living or dead. Although some things may resemble actual events, the intent is not to relay a true diary but a fictional character that can express many different stories of women who have been abused. The intent is merely to bring awareness from the inside out since we mostly see abused women from the outside looking in.

Trigger warning – The content below contains wording which may be triggering to domestic abuse survivors.

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month But for Me, It's also JAN, FEB, MAR, APR, MAY, JUN, JUL, AUG, SEP, NOV & DEC

Diary February 16, 2016

I have not updated my diary in a long time. Gosh I don’t even know where to begin. My life went into a major whirlwind at the end of October. I became highly suicidal and was hospitalized for a few weeks. Even though I was being treated for my suicide attempt, being at the hospital was actually nice. I mean I had three meals a day, people to talk to, a warm bed and it was a safe place. It was certainly much nicer than being in those crummy shelters. People just don’t understand that when you are homeless it doesn’t mean that you are a bad person. Sure there is bad and good people in every area of life but shouldn’t people be allowed to have a little dignity in whatever station of life they find themselves in?

I suppose I should be grateful. The last shelter I stayed at was an awful mess of a place. It was located in a run down old church building in the basement where they had rows of cots. The place stunk to high heaven but it was better than being out in the cold. I could never sleep at night so I would go up and talk to the volunteer who was there 3 nights and 4 days a week. She was a sweetheart, middle aged and very intelligent. I could tell she came from a wealthy family but something in her just oozed with compassion for homeless people. I talked to her for hours on the nights that she worked. I couldn’t believe that she was just a volunteer. Who does that? Who spends 56 hours a week with a bunch of homeless people? Cora did, that was her name. She was an angel. The night that I tried to commit suicide she actually accompanied me to the hospital. She sat in the emergency room until she found out that I was going to survive. When the nurses allowed her to come in and see me as they were waiting on the transport to come and move me to a room on the behavioral health unit she told me that she had been praying for me all night. I asked her why, she said she loved me and Jesus loved me. I knew she was an angel. She gave me her phone number and made me promise to call her every day to update her on how I was doing. I told her that I would and thanked her for caring.

The behavioral health unit was dark as I was transported up to my room. It was a private room and I was so happy to have a bed instead of a cot to sleep on. I wrapped myself up so tight in those blankets and fell quickly off to sleep. The next morning I met the team of “professionals” that were going to be helping me back to a place of healing. I wasn’t listening to a word they said to me, they sounded like Charlie Brown’s teacher “wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha”. HAHA it’s funny now but I suppose I should have paid more attention at the time since they were trying to help. I think I was at the hospital for 10 days when Cora came to visit me. The staff allowed it because I had no family or anything and she was on all my paperwork since she was with the ambulance that brought me there. She gave me a big hug and it was a little awkward but nice. She told me that a woman had come to the shelter looking for me, an older woman with gray hair named Minnie. Tears immediately fell from my eyes as I remembered meeting Minnie. She was the woman at the church lunch who invited me to stay with her. But how did she find me? I was confused. Cora said she had looked for me at every shelter in town. Who does that?

I didn’t know what to think about knowing that Minnie had been looking for me. I mean I only stayed with her for one night. It wasn’t like we were best friends. I remembered that she too had been abused and she really got me. She didn’t get that look of terror in her eyes when I told her my story like most people. Cora revealed to me that she actually knew Minnie from her church. They worked on a women’s bake sale together once to raise funds for the youth group. She had no idea that I had even been to her church because apparently the day I went was the one Sunday she had to cover for another volunteer at the shelter. She told me that Minnie showed up at the shelter the day after I was admitted to the hospital and they had been praying for me ever since daily at noon. I had to ask Cora to leave, this was just too much for me to handle and I couldn’t see why anyone would care that much about little old me. It was too much emotion for me to handle. I yelled at her to just get out and leave me alone. I saw a tear roll down her eye as she looked back at me while walking out the door.

To be continued…



Suicidal Thoughts Part 2

In my last blog I shared about my journey back to the pit of depression that started this past June. I shared an excerpt from my personal journal and today I am going to share another excerpt. As I said before please keep in mind that this is just from my own thoughts and I am sure there are others who have desperate thoughts even more or less severe than what I experienced. My goal is to bring awareness to this harsh reality that plagues people every day. My next blog will focus on the healing process after going through this hard depression.


July 6, 2015

These feelings are like a snake that slithers around my body and squeezes the life out of me. It’s up to my neck and stifling my breathing. How can I go on? How can I break free. My eyes are sore from crying and my heart is shattered. I’m empty, alone and scared. I’m surrounded by people who love me and they say things that should help me but they fall to the ground because my ears cannot retain them.

You love me? Why? I’m horrible. I cannot go on. Don’t you see my pain? My struggle? My ugliness is so unbelievable. Don’t look at me with tears in your eyes. It chokes me and causes me pain. I don’t want to hurt you. Just look away and let me be. Just let me sink. I’m not worth the effort. I’m not worth the time. You might get this snake off me today but it will just come back and choke me again. It will cause me to fall back into the miry pit again and again. I just want to go home. I want to be free from this torment. I can’t take it anymore and I don’t know how to answer your questions. It’s too painful. It’s too ugly and I can’t speak the words. Look away. Just look away.

Suicidal Thoughts Part 1

Suicide is rampant in our culture today. We hear of it almost daily. It’s a subject that touches my life in many ways. I’ve noticed that my first blog about suicidal thoughts is probably the most read of all the posts that I have written. That speaks volumes to me because it tells me that people are looking up information on suicide whether they are researching or whether they are feeling suicidal.

Back in June of this year I fell into a depression that took me to a place of deep despair and I admit I was having suicidal thoughts again. The following is an excerpt from my personal journal. It’s difficult to write on the subject of suicide when you are not in a place of despair. I am grateful that I have always journaled my thoughts in one way or another. It helps me to be able to see into my own mind once I am in a better place. I am sharing this with you all today because I am at a place where I feel comfortable sharing my experience. This will be a 3 part series that I hope will help others peek into the mind of someone who is feeling hopeless and suicidal. Keep in mind this is just from my own thoughts and I am sure there are others who have desperate thoughts even more or less severe than what I experienced.


June 22, 2015

Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I could just lay down and die. It’s a thought that plagues me sometimes. I don’t like it much. The thought accompanies feelings of numbness, pain and hopelessness. What do you do when these thoughts overtake your mind? How do you get past them and focus on what’s good in your life? What if there is no good in your life? What if the world you see with your eyes is so completely messed up that you feel you cannot take living in it one more day? There is so much pain and sorrow at every turn and you wonder why? Why is it like this? No hope. No peace. Nothing. Just numbness.

Death is so final though. How will it affect those around me? What will people think? What will people say about me at my funeral? What will my friends say? My children? My family? Will anyone even care? Will anyone’s life be devastated by my absence? Does anyone need me to be in their life now? Why? Who am I?

No one likes to be around someone who is depressed. Can you blame them? Especially if they are happy, they don’t want to be brought down…makes sense, right? So what is one to do? A search on Google will lead you to a bunch of places you can call. “Trained” people you can talk to who will convince you that everything is going to be okay. I won’t call them, for what? Their training doesn’t give them a clue as to what’s in my mind. Seriously unless you have experienced suicidal thoughts I have nothing to talk to you about.

I took an online quiz called “Should you kill yourself?” It was pretty lame, created by a kid but my result was “maybe”. Another quiz written by someone who’s been suicidal before just begged me to change my mind and look for the positive. Just the fact that there are quizzes online of this nature makes me feel even worse.

To be continued…