In my last blog I shared about my journey back to the pit of depression that started this past June. I shared an excerpt from my personal journal and today I am going to share another excerpt. As I said before please keep in mind that this is just from my own thoughts and I am sure there are others who have desperate thoughts even more or less severe than what I experienced. My goal is to bring awareness to this harsh reality that plagues people every day. My next blog will focus on the healing process after going through this hard depression.
July 6, 2015
These feelings are like a snake that slithers around my body and squeezes the life out of me. It’s up to my neck and stifling my breathing. How can I go on? How can I break free. My eyes are sore from crying and my heart is shattered. I’m empty, alone and scared. I’m surrounded by people who love me and they say things that should help me but they fall to the ground because my ears cannot retain them.
You love me? Why? I’m horrible. I cannot go on. Don’t you see my pain? My struggle? My ugliness is so unbelievable. Don’t look at me with tears in your eyes. It chokes me and causes me pain. I don’t want to hurt you. Just look away and let me be. Just let me sink. I’m not worth the effort. I’m not worth the time. You might get this snake off me today but it will just come back and choke me again. It will cause me to fall back into the miry pit again and again. I just want to go home. I want to be free from this torment. I can’t take it anymore and I don’t know how to answer your questions. It’s too painful. It’s too ugly and I can’t speak the words. Look away. Just look away.
Suicide is rampant in our culture today. We hear of it almost daily. It’s a subject that touches my life in many ways. I’ve noticed that my first blog about suicidal thoughts is probably the most read of all the posts that I have written. That speaks volumes to me because it tells me that people are looking up information on suicide whether they are researching or whether they are feeling suicidal.
Back in June of this year I fell into a depression that took me to a place of deep despair and I admit I was having suicidal thoughts again. The following is an excerpt from my personal journal. It’s difficult to write on the subject of suicide when you are not in a place of despair. I am grateful that I have always journaled my thoughts in one way or another. It helps me to be able to see into my own mind once I am in a better place. I am sharing this with you all today because I am at a place where I feel comfortable sharing my experience. This will be a 3 part series that I hope will help others peek into the mind of someone who is feeling hopeless and suicidal. Keep in mind this is just from my own thoughts and I am sure there are others who have desperate thoughts even more or less severe than what I experienced.
June 22, 2015
Sometimes I think about what it would be like if I could just lay down and die. It’s a thought that plagues me sometimes. I don’t like it much. The thought accompanies feelings of numbness, pain and hopelessness. What do you do when these thoughts overtake your mind? How do you get past them and focus on what’s good in your life? What if there is no good in your life? What if the world you see with your eyes is so completely messed up that you feel you cannot take living in it one more day? There is so much pain and sorrow at every turn and you wonder why? Why is it like this? No hope. No peace. Nothing. Just numbness.
Death is so final though. How will it affect those around me? What will people think? What will people say about me at my funeral? What will my friends say? My children? My family? Will anyone even care? Will anyone’s life be devastated by my absence? Does anyone need me to be in their life now? Why? Who am I?
No one likes to be around someone who is depressed. Can you blame them? Especially if they are happy, they don’t want to be brought down…makes sense, right? So what is one to do? A search on Google will lead you to a bunch of places you can call. “Trained” people you can talk to who will convince you that everything is going to be okay. I won’t call them, for what? Their training doesn’t give them a clue as to what’s in my mind. Seriously unless you have experienced suicidal thoughts I have nothing to talk to you about.
I took an online quiz called “Should you kill yourself?” It was pretty lame, created by a kid but my result was “maybe”. Another quiz written by someone who’s been suicidal before just begged me to change my mind and look for the positive. Just the fact that there are quizzes online of this nature makes me feel even worse.
To be continued…
June 9th and 10th…oh the memories these two days hold. First terror, second new life and third new career. It’s amazing how God can turn things around in our lives when we surrender to His plans and purposes.
First there was one of the worst days in my life. Twenty one years ago, a night like no other. Nine hours of violence, torture, fear and pain. God prepared me for that night but I just didn’t know what it would look like. I learned that night that you could cry with no tears. Throughout the situation I prayed in my head and trusted that God would hear my prayers. I will spare the details of what happened but suffice it to say that I should have been hurt much worse but because of my size and weight I was spared any broken bones. I survived.
Was it God’s plan for me to go through such a horrendous circumstance twenty one years ago? No, but He saved my life. He made a way out for me and even though it was one of the hardest seasons in my life, His grace was sufficient, His banner over me was Love and His peace is what sustained me.
Three years later, after trying to fix my life my own way God stepped in and moved me to a new location. A place where I never thought I would fit in. A place that would turn out to be the best thing in my life.
Four years later, I stepped into a new career. A job where I would learn and grow. A place where I would eventually cultivate close relationships.
Here I am today, twenty one years later looking back over the years. There have been many hard times and yet I’m still moving forward. Each year I have found myself becoming depressed in the month of June. Each year I have re-lived that one night from twenty one years ago. While so many people would be celebrating graduations and birthdays and weddings in the month of June when summer finally brought forth sunshine and beautiful skies, I would just sink back into the miry pit that God had rescued me from so many years ago. It has been a cycle of depression and despair for so long.
But today I truly feel that it’s over, it’s done and my healing is complete. I don’t feel the pain anymore. It’s just a memory, a time in my past that I can call a victory because I survived. I don’t feel the depression anymore and I can truly say I’m ready to give back now. I’m ready to help someone else who might be in the thick of the miry clay. I spent ten years trying to figure it all out on my own and then the next ten years letting God lead me and I have to say that it’s much better when we surrender and let God guide us.
Written June 10, 2015