Tag Archives: fear

Diary of An Abused Woman Part 3

The diary entry that follows is purely fictional. None of the situations expressed are linked to actual persons living or dead. Although some things may resemble actual events, the intent is not to relay a true diary but a fictional character that can express many different stories of women who have been abused. The intent is merely to bring awareness from the inside out since we mostly see abused women from the outside looking in.

Trigger warning – The content below contains wording which may be triggering to domestic abuse survivors.

DVAM-with-Purple-Ribbon

Diary Thursday October 22, 2015

I can’t do this anymore. Why couldn’t I just stay with that sweet woman who was so kind to me? I just didn’t feel like I belonged there. She was so good to me. It is so cold and rainy tonight but I am thankful for the church shelter. The cot is uncomfortable but it’s better than sleeping in the rain on the cold ground. My thoughts are all over the place tonight. I keep thinking about that woman, she really wanted to help me. She gave me a brand new outfit and I had the best shower at her house. Her guest room was so beautiful and she was willing to let me stay as long as I wanted but I didn’t want to be a blemish in her beautiful home. I don’t deserve such kindness, I don’t deserve to have anyone care about me. She understood me though, she had her own story but I couldn’t grasp the idea that she had really been through what I have been through. She was too happy. She just oozed with an inexplicable joy. I can’t relate to that.

Are you kidding me? These people in here are ridiculous. Don’t people understand rules? Two people just got escorted out by the police because they started fighting. I hate to see people fight, it brings back so many awful memories. I’m not going to be able to sleep now. I just want my life back. I just want to be able to function without going back to those memories. Will they haunt me forever? I can’t even see to write anymore because the tears won’t stop. I can’t stand it that every little thing triggers the pain and memories. Oh God if you can hear me, would you please help me sleep tonight?

Diary Tuesday October 27, 2015

I am so discouraged today. I feel like my life is going down the toilet. God seems very distant and I feel like I have been dropped into a ditch somewhere and left to rot. Who am I to think that I should get special treatment from anyone or think that anyone should care or want to sympathize with the fact that I am struggling today, I am at the end of my proverbial rope and I cannot see any hands reaching out to help me. I don’t know what to do, what to think, what to feel, how to respond. I just know that I am a walking zombie right now. I am going through the motions of life only because I am familiar with the day-to-day schedule. Everything I do is only achieved because I have been doing it for so long that it is a habit. I wake up, I survive, I cry, I sleep and I wake up to do it all over again.

I have prayed but probably not enough. I’m just not getting to the place where I can let go and just be. My mind is constantly moving and I’m always thinking and going over things in my mind. The abuse I sustained, the abuse my daughter sustained, my daughter’s death, the verbal abuse all around, other people, the whole scenario. I am nowhere near being stable in my emotions and I am horribly aware of that to the point where I am terrorized in my dreams even. I have no friends to share my pain with and I have no one who would even care to listen to me at that.

I don’t know. I just feel like my guts have been ripped out of my body and strewn all over the place and I can’t put it all back together. I feel hopeless and miserable. Hello! Can someone hear me? Can anyone hear my pain? Can anyone help me? I doubt it sincerely. The only hope I used to have was God. He is so distant right now. Or at least that’s how I feel. But it could be my fault too because maybe I’m not listening for Him as closely as I should and maybe I can’t be still long enough to know that He even exists. Maybe this is a time in my life where I just have to learn to be lonely.

Diary Thursday October 29, 2015

My mind just races with all these thoughts and I can’t make them stop. Maybe that is why I can’t hear the voice of God when He speaks. But how do I stop the voice in my head. I mean it’s me, it’s my thoughts, it’s my concerns, it’s my pain, my memories, my logic trying to make sense of it all. It’s me and how do I stop me? How can I flip the switch on my thought processes to make them work differently. I can be talking about one thing and thinking about a totally different thing. It’s ridiculous. Then of course when I talk about anything in my life, here comes the flood of tears. Who wants to hear me talk? Who cares that I cry all the time? No one cares. I used to have friends, not many but a few that I could actually call friends but they have all disappeared. Why is everyone so afraid to ask me what is wrong? Why is it that I can ask someone about their problems but no one can ask me?  No one wants to really ask me, How are you? and actually expects a truthful answer.

I can’t take this anymore. This life of running to and from shelters while battling these tormenting thoughts in my head. All these people around me have their own stories. They all have their pain, their bruises, their wounds and yet no one really cares about any of us. Just give us a cot and some slop to eat and maybe a warm blanket. Why did I leave from the one place where I felt safe if only for just one night? Why couldn’t I receive the love that she was so desperately trying to show me? Why can’t I hear God anymore? I used to be so close to God, once upon a time. I cannot even raise my eyes to look up to see if God is waiting for me to come back to Him. No, no, no I am not worth His time. I am not worth anyone’s time. The one good thing about me being suicidal is that my fear of death outweighs my wish to die.

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Diary of An Abused Woman Part 2

The diary entry that follows is purely fictional. None of the situations expressed are linked to actual persons living or dead. Although some things may resemble actual events, the intent is not to relay a true diary but a fictional character that can express many different stories of women who have been abused. The intent is merely to bring awareness from the inside out since we mostly see abused women from the outside looking in.

Trigger warning – The content below contains wording which may be triggering to domestic abuse survivors.

DVAM-with-Purple-Ribbon

Diary Sunday October 18, 2015

Today was a good day. I was walking along the road this morning when I met a woman who invited me to come to her church. She said they would be serving lunch after the service and I was welcome to come. She offered me a ride to the church and while I was nervous about taking the ride, something in her eyes told me that I could trust her.

Trust. A concept that I didn’t think I would be able to have for anyone again. I sat through the service with tears streaming down my face as they sang beautiful songs of praise to God. The sermon was about the good Samaritan. Was that a coincidence since this woman was surely a good Samaritan to me today? With tears streaming down my face I drifted off into a memory of when my husband and I were first dating. We would go to church whenever the doors were open. He proclaimed his love for Jesus and we talked of becoming missionaries one day. It was a dream that I shared.

There was a beautiful woman dancing during the praise and worship time, she had a beautiful flowing dress that followed her twirls delightfully. She danced with a long multicolored scarf that flowed up in the air and back down to the sounds of the worship music. I wanted to be her. I loved to dance and yet I have not danced in many years. How could I dance when my precious ballerina was no longer on this earth? How could I dance when my life no longer had meaning? I felt an overwhelming desire to run in that moment as the memories came flooding into my mind shutting out everything around me. I looked over at the woman who brought me to church and she smiled at me. Her smile was so warm and inviting. Somehow she eased my anxiety and I was able to stay for the entire service.

Lunch was amazing. There was so much food and desserts to choose from I could not believe my eyes. Breakfast casseroles, tacos, barbecue beef, chili, homemade bread, hamburgers, hot dogs, chicken and dumplings, fried chicken, every kind of fruit you could imagine, cakes, cookies, pies and my favorite homemade bread pudding. I filled my plate with just a little bit of everything I could fit on it since this was the best meal I have had in a long time. So many people came up and introduced themselves and seemed interested in knowing me. I still can’t make sense of it all. Why would they want to know me? I’m sure I look like an old dirty rag and probably smell like one too. Every person who spoke to me seemed to look beyond my shabby looks and I felt like they all were looking deep into my soul. It made me nervous and I would begin to shake. My new friend would put her hand on my shoulder and silently pray for me. It was if she knew the rage that was going on inside my head. The swirling thoughts of unworthiness to be at this table with beautiful, happy people. It was truly overwhelming.

A sudden crash caused me to lunge underneath the table, my heart was beating wildly and I thought I was being attacked. I could do nothing but sit under that table and rock myself holding my knees close to my chest. No it can’t be happening again. No, please make it stop. I could hear voices around me praying to God to help me. I heard one say it’s ok, it’s ok, it was just a punch bowl that crashed to the floor and shattered. I had tears streaming down my face as the memories of being taunted and beaten with a baseball bat flooded my mind and would not stop. I could hear myself crying out “please stop, please stop”. As the prayers continued around the table, I looked up and my new friend was on her knees in front of me praying and crying. I began to fix my eyes on her and slowly the anxiety and panic began to subside. I didn’t even realize that she was holding my hands. Suddenly the realization of what was happening overwhelmed me and shame entered into my consciousness. How could I ever come back to this place? How embarrassing?

I was helped up off the floor by my new friend. I expected people to look at me like something was wrong with me or call the police or kick me out of this place but they didn’t. An older woman across the table asked me if I had been abused. I hung my head low and said yes. She came over and put her arms around me and began to share her own story of abuse. What? Wait, where am I? I am sitting in a church. People don’t talk about abuse in church. It was why I left the church years ago. I listened to her story in astonishment. She understood me. She could relate to my terror and agony. I couldn’t believe it. Every day people pass me by and act as though I am invisible and yet two women made me feel like a human being today. I am not sure I know how to process this in my mind. It’s new to me.

The older woman invited me to come and stay with her family for the night. The softness in her voice made me feel that I could go with her. I felt like I made two friends today. Friends. All my friends had abandoned me long ago. They couldn’t relate to my struggle. They couldn’t understand my never-ending sorrow and pain. I’m not sure if this is all a dream but I hope that if it is I don’t wake up from it. I am sitting in a beautiful guest room in my new friend’s home. The bed is so inviting and I must rest. I have not slept in an actual bed for weeks. I have a strange feeling of safety here. I hope this day never ends.

Where Does The Time Go? 1st Year Anniversary and a Contest

celebrateCan you believe it? I started this blog on October 1, 2014 and it is now over 1 year old by a of couple days! I cannot believe it! Where does the time go?

I have been so blessed by YOU. Know that I am here for YOU! When I write my blogs I am thinking and praying for you and asking the Lord to give me the topics that are relevant to you. I hope and pray that I have accomplished this.

I would love to get your input so to celebrate the past year I think it is time for a contest and giveaway! In order to gain an entry into this giveaway all you need to do is leave a comment and let me know what topic you would like to see here. That’s all there is to it!

Each comment will receive 1 entry per day. You may enter once per day as many days as you have a topic to share.through October 31, 2015.

I will hold the drawing at 8pm CST on October 31st and the winner will receive a $25.00 Amazon Gift Card via email. Remember, your comment or comments will only award you 1 entry per day. I want to make this fair for everyone. You may comment every day as long as you share a topic that you want to see here on this blog. I look forward to hearing from YOU! God bless you!

Official start time Midnight October 3, 2015. Drawing to be held on October 31, 2015 at 6PM. No purchase necessary.

contest btmc

FEAR NOT

  
For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’ (Isaiah 41:13 NKJV)

One verse, that’s all it takes when Holy Spirit wants to get your attention. Read these words today…slowly…”For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’” What are you facing today? Raise your right hand to The Lord your God! Let’s read that again because you don’t get it yet…”For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’”

Now close your eyes and picture it. You are a little child and you are afraid. Your Father is saying to you give me your right hand and He holds it tightly and He looks you right in the eye and says Fear not, I will help you! This is not the father who may have let you down or hurt you in the past. No this is your Heavenly Father who loves you with such love that you cannot even comprehend with your natural mind. This is the Father that is Greater than all earthly fathers whose mercy is new every day. He loves you with an everlasting love and He is jealous over you and wants you to know Him more and spend time with Him more each day.

Hear His words “For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, Saying to you, ‘Fear not, I will help you.’” He will help you through that job loss, the loss of your loved one, the loss of your home, your car, even your health. He will hold your right hand through it all and He says to you today “fear not”.

Do you see it? Do you feel it? Do you know it? It is TRUTH! Don’t let the things of this world sway you away from this truth today. Look up with your child eyes and see your Abba Father as He takes hold of your right hand and walks you through every storm of life and reassures you “Fear Not”. He will help you. He has already been helping you and he will not let go of your hand.

Praise be to The Lord God Almighty for He is our help. He is our strength, He is our provider. He is our Abba Father. If Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior then you can be assured of this fact today.

God bless you all!

Lessons From The Road

   
Last week as I was driving home from Kentucky I found myself in situations where God began to teach me some lessons. I share with you today in hopes that they will encourage and bless you as they did for me.As a truck was passing by on the left, I glanced over and saw the big tires rolling past and I became afraid. I quickly looked forward at the road in front of me while gripping the steering wheel. I felt like the Lord was teaching me in that moment that the key to overcoming fear is keeping my focus on Jesus. The scripture that came to mind was:

“A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.” (Psalm‬ ‭91‬:‭7‬ NIV)

As I continued down the road, my GPS said to stay on the left however, I saw a sign which told me that I actually needed to be on the right. Had I stayed left I would have been going the wrong way. Oh thank You Lord for another lesson. We must pay attention to the signs the Lord gives us on our journey and be sure that we are not distracted by the enemy’s voice to try to steer us in the wrong direction.

Shortly after this, a car merged onto the highway from the left and almost hit me. I thought this was representative of how the enemy tries to distract and cause us to lose focus on Jesus. 

I continued driving through some construction areas that were kind of scary to navigate so I kept my focus on the car in front of me. He turned off to the right and I followed when suddenly I thought “uh oh!” I am going the wrong way now. How important is it that we are following the One that truly knows the way we are to go? That is Jesus. Fortunately the turn did not take me off course it merely took me off the express route. See we can follow other people, ideas or paths that take us off course from the clear path but that just results in it taking longer to reach our destination.

As I passed the windmills I was struck by their uniformity in how the lights seemed to create a symphony of red across miles of land. It was beautiful and reminded me of the importance of unity in the Body of Christ.

I was praying and suddenly found myself saying how darkness cannot live in the light but there can be shadows. That was a revelation that I cannot say I ever thought of but represents the condition of the church as we have people who think they are saved because they said a prayer but there was no real repentance or transformation so those people are actually living in darkness. The other side of that is true born again believers who have been transformed by the power of Jesus but may slip into sin and that is like a shadow but with true repentance they continue to live in the light.

I absolutely love how God speaks to us through everday events when we pay attention. For me, that trip home was a wonderful journey of unfolding lessons. May we all keep our eyes and ears attentive to the lessons the Spirit of God would teach us in the midst of walking through this life.

My One Word for 2015

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I haven’t made New Year’s Resolutions for a while now but each year I usually feel impressed by the Holy Spirit to focus on one area where He is dealing with me and it usually boils down to one word. That one word typically becomes the theme for my year. Well on Christmas Eve I happened to choose a Reading Plan on my Bible.com app called “One Word That Will Change Your Life”. It was a 4 day devotional plan that helps you simplify your life by choosing one word to focus on for the year. Interestingly I had not been trying to figure out my 2015 word yet so I thought this devotional was timely. I finished the plan and chose a word but I wasn’t sure about my choice so I just tucked it in my heart. This morning I was challenged to re-think my choice. I’m pretty sure that my new word choice is Holy Spirit ordained and makes much more sense to me than my first choice.

Let me step back for a moment and share what has led me to my one word choice. When I wrote about not wanting to be depressed for the holidays I was truly in a good place in my life and had absolutely no reason to think that I would succumb to depression in just a short period of time. Just a short time after posting that blog I got one bad report, then another and then another and suddenly the familiar stench of the miry pit had encapsulated me once again. It was not just one set of circumstances, it was a myriad of problems that all popped up within a very short time span. Isn’t that the way it always happens? Most of us can handle a problem without losing it or falling into a depression but when we are caught in a seeming ambush of problems from all directions it further complicates matters. In just a moment of weakness and vulnerability I found myself in the miry pit just a few days before Christmas.

All of my good sense obviously went out the window because instead of reaching out to my prayer partners to ask for prayer I turned away from everyone and shut myself off from the world like I used to do. My reasoning was that I needed to shut myself away so I could be alone with God as I knew He was putting His finger on something in my life. That something was fear. Fear was all up in my face and I didn’t want to trouble any of my sisters in Christ because it was Christmas you know. How could I intrude on anyone’s joy with my issues? Oh that’s the lie of the enemy right there because it only takes 10 seconds to reach out to someone for prayer. I know I would never have a problem with someone coming to me for prayer so why do I think my friends would not do the same? But you see when the miry pit overtakes you it’s hard to see past the darkness.

Thankfully the Light of Jesus dispels the darkness and just when I thought I was stuck in that pit again the Lord sent a praying friend my way. That was just to let me know that He was still there. Over the next couple days the Lord picked me up once again, brought me out of the miry clay and set my feet back on solid ground. My problems are still surrounding me but I am no longer looking at them. My gaze and my focus is on Christ alone. This leads me to today and my one word for 2015. My word is COURAGE. You see the Lord has been speaking the verse from Joshua 1:9 to me for a few years now…

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” (‭Joshua‬ ‭1‬:‭9‬ NKJV)

It’s time I change my perspective of this verse from just knowing that God is with me and that He tells me not to be afraid. He says “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage”. This is not a suggestion, it’s a command. As I look over 2014, I’ve counted 5 times that fear has overtaken me and caused me to go back into the miry clay. Each time it has been a shorter time span and I see the gap has been closing. I’m declaring right now that it is time to put this fear problem behind me. I’m asking God to give me revelation to show me what courage looks like and how to walk in it. There is too much going on in this world for me to be held back by fear and it is time to get this settled.

Lord Jesus, I am surrendering to You once again. I’m asking that You reveal to me what courage looks like and how to walk in it. I know that You are my source and I trust that as I keep my focus on You that I will continue to move beyond the miry clay.

Lord Jesus, I ask that You speak to each reader of this blog and bless them to be able to surrender whatever issue or area of their life that You want to heal in 2015.

What will your one word be for 2015? Please check out the GetOneWord.com for resources to help you discover your one word. Most importantly ask Jesus for the word He wants you to focus on. Feel free to share with me in the comments when you get your word. Thank you for following my journey. Happy New Year!! God bless you all!!

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LET’S TALK ABOUT DEPRESSION

Depression is not a one size fits all topic. It looks different for everyone but people who have struggled with depression can find common ground in many of their experiences. Today I invite you to take a peek at a time when I was very depressed and what I did to begin to turn my situation around. The following is from my own personal journal:

“I am so discouraged today. I feel like my life is going down the toilet. God seems very distant and I feel like I have been dropped into a ditch somewhere and left to rot. Who am I to think that I should get special treatment from anyone or think that anyone should care or want to sympathize with the fact that I am struggling today? I am at the end of my proverbial rope and I cannot see any hands this time reaching to pull me out. I don’t know what to do, what to think, what to feel, how to respond. I just know that I am a walking zombie right now. I am going through the motions of life only because I am familiar with the day-to-day schedule. Everything I do is only achieved because I have been doing it for so long that it is a habit. I get up, I go to work, I go home, I make sure all my family is home at the appointed times, I cry, I sleep and I wake up to do it all over again.

I don’t know. I just feel like my guts have been ripped out of my body and strewn all over the place and I can’t put it all back together. I feel hopeless and miserable. The only place I feel like I have any control is at work. Why is that? How can I possibly keep my head on at work and then lose it on the way home. Hello! Can someone hear me? Can anyone hear my pain? Can anyone help me? I doubt it sincerely. The only hope I have is God. And He is even distant right now. Or at least that’s how I feel. But it could be my fault too because maybe I’m not listening for Him as closely as I should and maybe I can’t be still long enough to know that He is still in control even though I can’t feel His presence.

My mind just races with all these thoughts and I can’t make them stop. Maybe that is why I can’t hear the voice of God when He speaks. But how do I stop the voice in my head. I mean it’s me, it’s my thoughts, it’s my concerns, it’s my pain, my memories, my logic trying to make sense of it all. It’s me and how do I stop me? How can I flip the switch on my thought processes to make them work differently? I can be talking about one thing and thinking about a totally different thing. It’s ridiculous. Then of course when I talk about anything in my life, here comes the flood of tears. Who wants to hear me talk? Who cares that I cry all the time? No one cares. I used to have friends, not many but a few that I could actually call friends but they have all disappeared. Why is everyone so afraid to ask me what is wrong? Why is it that I can ask someone about their problems but no one can ask me? Why is it that when someone tells you they want to be there for you, they disappear when you really need them? Why say that at all? Why can’t I be like some other people and just not care? Why do I have to care about every single thing and person in my life? Cause of course no one cares about me or thinks about me. No one wants to really ask me, How are you? And actually expects a truthful answer.

I know I am rambling today and I don’t know why. I guess I just feel that maybe if I put this out there in print that I will be able to overcome the pain I feel every day. I am so out of sorts. I am so disorganized and there are so many things I have to take care of so that I can actually maintain.”

During this time of my life I was very much isolated and when I say isolated I mean I lived in what I call “a turtle shell” I poked my head out just long enough to take care of my responsibilities but I refused to allow anyone inside my little shell world because it was not pretty at all.  I didn’t allow anyone to get close enough to me to know that I was struggling. I knew how to go through the motions of daily life but inside I was dying. Since I have always kept a journal and I really truly loved to help other people, there came a day that I decided that I needed to be by own advocate and so I began a series of letters to myself as though I were a friend. I had read in 1 Samuel 30:6 how David encouraged himself in the Lord.

1 Samuel 30:6 King James Version (KJV)
And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the Lord his God. (emphasis mine)

David was a man who knew about depression. Have you read any of his Psalms lately? Have you read about all the things that he went through before and after becoming king? When you are done reading my blog today I suggest that you go read about David, you can start in 1 Samuel.

Now, after I read that verse and heard some teaching on the verse as well I decided that I needed to try something new to encourage myself in the Lord. I began to write letters to myself instead of just writing in my journal. You might think that is weird but hey we all do weird things sometimes. I will share just a little bit of the first letter I wrote to myself.

“Girlfriend you have been carrying around way too much baggage and garbage and it is time to get rid of it all. I know that you have been through so much that has bruised, scarred and maimed you but how long are you going to let those things define who you are? When are you going to bust through that shell once and for all time and start letting people see you for who God made you to be and allow them to love you and be there for you and be your friend. Look around you dear one, what do you see? Do you see emptiness and sand like you once did? Do you see someone trying to destroy your self-worth and your very character and personality just for their own gain? Do you see egg shells? Do you see darkness? What do you see? You might not be able to answer that question right now but here is what you should see…A single road, a step, a path and it is leading to one place…it’s leading to Jesus Christ and the Light that you should see is your Heavenly Father showing you the way….”

I will end there as the last sentence was the key for me, this paragraph was the beginning of me learning how to encourage myself in the Lord. It was the beginning of me learning how to firmly fix my gaze on Jesus Christ and truly allow Him to begin healing me from the inside out.

 

Psalm 143:7-8

Answer me quickly, O Lord, my spirit fails; Do not hide Your face from me, Or I will become like those who go down to the pit. Let me hear Your lovingkindness in the morning; For I trust in You; Teach me the way in which I should walk; For to You I lift up my soul.

To be continued…

I DON’T WANT TO BE DEPRESSED THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS

Depression

I can’t remember not being depressed on one or more holidays in the past 20 years or more. It seemed every time I tried to shake those awful feelings of despair, loneliness and sorrow it would just overtake me. One Christmas my brother called me Scrooge McDuck, that was back in 2009. It was one of the first times since my brother had grown up that we were spending Christmas together and we both were acting like Scrooge McDuck! Thanksgiving was another holiday that always caught me in the grip of depression. No matter whether I providing a meal for my family or spending it with another family that graciously invited me to spend the holiday with them, I was miserable. Yes I smiled and tried to hide my pain but the reality of it all was ~ depression was my best friend.

Depression has been a constant in my life from a very young age. My mother also suffered from depression and for all I know it could have been passed down to me from her.  However, I am sure that the source of my depression was from the deep, hidden wounds that began to build a cement wall around my heart from a young age. It was my way of protecting myself from others or so I thought. It drove me to a place of deep isolation where I was hidden in plain site and yet I was deeply lonely and desperate to reach out to those around me who appeared to be safe yet I couldn’t trust, no one could be trusted in my mind.

On Thursday November 27th, Thanksgiving 2014, somewhere around 4pm it hit me that I was not feeling depressed at all! I was actually quite happy and content. I cooked myself a nice meal of spaghetti, collard greens, corn bread, candied yams and pecan pie. My son was home with me part of the day but we really weren’t interacting much and I was very content with that as well. I started to think about all of the holidays that I’ve spent being sad and depressed. I began to pray about why all these years I ended up in that miry pit of depression. My mindset used to be “today is just another day when everyone else has something to do besides me”. Unfortunately that is what I passed down to my children because we didn’t make our own traditions for the holidays. I didn’t know how to make new traditions with my family because I was so locked inside my own misery. I remember trying to make things different but it would never turn out as planned and at the end of the day I would beat myself up because I had failed again.

I spend some time really pondering this whole dilemma and I think I may have discovered the problem – memories have power! I have some really bad memories from different holidays that I revert to when the holidays approach. I don’t think I was doing it consciously because I could never figure out why I kept falling back into the same pit time after time, year after year. Quite frankly the time from mid-October until the first week of January was usually the time I spent in full blown depression. My doctor called it seasonal depression and put me on medication. Maybe he was right but I think the reality of the depression was more about me re-living the bad memories from my past. One would think that after being away from abuse and living in a safe environment that it would move me to want to create new fun memories with my family. Not me, nope, I succumbed to the feelings and the memories instead.

This year will be different. This year I refuse to allow myself to go back to that pit of seasonal depression that has ruined almost every Thanksgiving and Christmas that I can remember. No way, this year I am going to rejoice in the freedom that I have because my Lord Jesus Christ has picked me up from the miry clay and set my feet on SOLID ground. No more living on shifting sand! No more crying over things I cannot have or control! No more phony smiles hiding my tears! NO MORE! NO MORE!

I praise God Almighty today for the freedom I have found in Christ Jesus! I know that I have had a horrific past that I lived through and there were many ruined Holidays but I don’t have to re-live those memories every single year! I will press forward and renew my mind through the reading of the Word of God, the Bible, every day! I will pray and sing praises to Jesus for all He has done for me and YOU! I will find ways to be there for people who are still struggling with the pit of depression and I pray God will use me to speak joy and peace and love into their lives. I will walk boldly with my head held high knowing I have peace within because of the Holy Spirit that resides in me. No more depressed Holidays for me. Thanksgiving 2014 was just the beginning!

Philippians 3:13-14

 Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,  I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

Romans 12:2

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Psalm 40:1-2

I waited patiently for the Lord;
And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.

How may I pray for you today? Please go to my prayer page and send me a request. God bless you and thank you for reading my blog!

“Scripture quotations taken from the NASB.”

 

How many times?

Joshua 1:9 NKJV
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

How many times will The Lord tell me that He is with me? How many times will He tell me to NOT be afraid? How many times will I hear the words and it just doesn’t sink in? When will I get it? When will I live it?

This is a command not a suggestion. I have to wonder if Joshua was like me in that he heard the words but didn’t really believe it. I mean God told Joshua several times as well and we only know the times recorded in the scriptures. I’m sure that there is a reason that He told Joshua several times and if I’m right then Joshua and I have some things in common. Lack of confidence! Fear! Feeling weak and vulnerable! I’m sure it was a little different for Joshua since he was a man and all. I just know that for the past four years God continues to remind me of this command.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

He is with me wherever I go. God is with me wherever I go. Wow! That’s powerful. So if it is true that God is with me wherever I go then there really is no reason to be afraid. In human perspective I guess it’s like having your big strong father or big strong brother with you all the time. No bullies would think about messing with you when you have a big strong father or brother with you. Right?

So why do I still fear, lack courage and become dismayed? Unbelief. I don’t really believe it. I don’t like admitting that but it has to be true. We act on our beliefs, right? So if I truly believed that God is with me everywhere I go then I would never be afraid. I could walk in confidence knowing my Heavenly Father has my back in all circumstances. All! As in everything! Everywhere!

I pray that this will become a truth in my life. I pray that the Holy Spirit will bring such revelation to my spirit that I will no longer need The Lord to remind me of this verse because it will be so ingrained in my life that no reminder will be necessary. It will be lived out in every breath I take, every step I take, every moment, every day of my life. Let it start today Lord. In Jesus name.