Category Archives: Healing

Am I Ready for the Next Level of Healing?

Woman thinking

I blink fast to try to clear the blur from the water leaking from my eyes as I contemplate my surroundings. The hustle and bustle around me with voices ranging from joyous laughter to angry banter cause me to reflect on times past. Days of confusion and fear fill my memory of holidays oh so long ago. The aroma of alcohol and drugs are so strongly embedded in my mind that I gag shaking my head to try to dispel the scent. “Mommy, mommy look Santa came!” Yes, Santa only came because the lady at Head Start loved my family and looked out for us when we had nothing. “Mommy why is your eye red?” “It’s okay baby, go play with your new toy from Santa.” Sadly my 6 year old knew why my eye was red but what do you say to a question like that. The smiles of that day were plastic trying to shield the void in my soul and the fear that plagued every waking moment. Under my feet the crunching sound of eggshells filled my ears yet no one could know, no one could see, no one could help.

“Ma’am? May I help you?” The vision center worker broke through my thoughts bringing me back to today. “Yes, yes I’m here to order glasses.”

Driving home from the vision center, my mind reaches back once again to the days of old. Glimpses of my past have been entering my thoughts lately. I know it’s time for yet another process of healing to unfold for me. As soon as I think there is nothing more to work on in my life, God puts His finger on something and says “What about this?” My response tends to be “Let’s put that under the rug and leave it alone” but God says “No”. He always wins, after all, He is God and I am not, He knows best and His timing is perfect. Am I ready for the next level of healing? I hear Him whisper “Yes, my daughter” So with a heavy sigh I say “Yes Lord, let the next level of healing begin.”

What is the Lord putting His finger on in your life? Will you say Yes and let the healing begin?

June Memories Part 2

June 9th and 10th…oh the memories these two days hold. First terror, second new life and third new career. It’s amazing how God can turn things around in our lives when we surrender to His plans and purposes.

First there was one of the worst days in my life. Twenty one years ago, a night like no other. Nine hours of violence, torture, fear and pain. God prepared me for that night but I just didn’t know what it would look like. I learned that night that you could cry with no tears. Throughout the situation I prayed in my head and trusted that God would hear my prayers. I will spare the details of what happened but suffice it to say that I should have been hurt much worse but because of my size and weight I was spared any broken bones. I survived.

Was it God’s plan for me to go through such a horrendous circumstance twenty one years ago? No, but He saved my life. He made a way out for me and even though it was one of the hardest seasons in my life, His grace was sufficient, His banner over me was Love and His peace is what sustained me.

Three years later, after trying to fix my life my own way God stepped in and moved me to a new location. A place where I never thought I would fit in. A place that would turn out to be the best thing in my life.

Four years later, I stepped into a new career. A job where I would learn and grow. A place where I would eventually cultivate close relationships.

Here I am today, twenty one years later looking back over the years. There have been many hard times and yet I’m still moving forward. Each year I have found myself becoming depressed in the month of June. Each year I have re-lived that one night from twenty one years ago. While so many people would be celebrating graduations and birthdays and weddings in the month of June when summer finally brought forth sunshine and beautiful skies, I would just sink back into the miry pit that God had rescued me from so many years ago. It has been a cycle of depression and despair for so long.

But today I truly feel that it’s over, it’s done and my healing is complete. I don’t feel the pain anymore. It’s just a memory, a time in my past that I can call a victory because I survived. I don’t feel the depression anymore and I can truly say I’m ready to give back now. I’m ready to help someone else who might be in the thick of the miry clay. I spent ten years trying to figure it all out on my own and then the next ten years letting God lead me and I have to say that it’s much better when we surrender and let God guide us.

Written June 10, 2015