Category Archives: Change

Change Part 2

As I was preparing to share with you about some of the discoveries I’ve made over the past few weeks about my dislike of change I realized that from the beginning of my saying YES to Jesus and making Him Lord of my life I have been in a non-stop cycle of changes. The reality is that is the way it is supposed to be! Let’s take a look at this verse:

2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. “

When we make Jesus the Lord of our lives and receive His free gift of salvation we become a new creation. I believe that with all my heart. However, the reality is that sometimes we don’t walk in that newness of life unless we have someone to take us by the hand and disciple us. I cannot tell you how many times I went weeping to an altar asking Jesus to be Lord of my life before it really took hold and began to change me.

I was so messed up in my thinking and the baggage from my life was so huge that I was like the ones in the parable of the sower according to Mark 4:16-17 – “These likewise are the ones sown on stony ground who, when they hear the word, immediately receive it with gladness;  and they have no root in themselves, and so endure only for a time. Afterward, when tribulation or persecution arises for the word’s sake, immediately they stumble.

I had so much to learn before true change would become a reality in my life. I wanted to serve God and I did really well when I was in church on Sunday but as soon as Monday came I fell flat on my face. Fortunately Jesus never gave up on me and soon I was connected with a group of women who would begin to teach me the Bible and teach me how to pray. That was back in 1993 and I really miss those ladies, unfortunately I was only connected with them for about six months. This was the beginning of many changes that would take place in my life.

One of the biggest problems back then for me was that I was trying to live with one foot in the church and one foot in the world. I was trying to continue living in sin and then I would repent every week. I thought it was the right thing to do and no one told me any different to be honest. Oh I am completely sure that the Holy Spirit was telling me that I was in the wrong but I didn’t pay much attention. I didn’t realize that living with my boyfriend and having sex was wrong. Truthfully I didn’t want to believe it was wrong because then I would have to stop doing it. At that point I was too afraid to stop though because I was afraid of being a single mother.  Not only that I was too afraid to tell my boyfriend that we couldn’t have sex because I didn’t want to make him angry.

Thinking back to that time in my life I thank God that He didn’t give up on me. I know that it was just the beginning of my walk with Him and over time there would be many changes in my life. Some would be very hard and some would be easy. It wasn’t until 2007 that I truly began a journey of being healed and set free from all the abuse, sin and addictions in my life. It was a process that continues to this day. I truly believe that discipleship is key to being able to truly walk out the verse – 2 Corinthians 5:17 “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. ”

To be continued…..

Change

Change is hard!

Yes indeed it is. I do not like change. I realized this early this year as my life was moving quickly from one change to another. I used to think I liked change but the reality is I just get comfortable with where I am and unless something really forces me to change, well a lot of times I don’t change.

Even the thought of writing about my dislike of change brought me to a place of procrastination. This is actually pretty much my regular repertoire. God is working on me though. He is really stretching me to step out of my comfort zone. This blog is really a stretch outside of my comfort zone to be honest. But if we don’t allow Jesus to change us then we may never realize our true potential.

It has been three weeks since I started this post. The content flowed really well in my head and then somehow I just couldn’t bring the words to the keyboard. I have written and revised many times already but today I decided that it has been long enough so I need to get this done and posted.

As I was walking to work on October 7th I was admiring the beautiful trees that had been changing colors and the leaves on the ground. I was feeling really lazy that morning and I didn’t really want to walk to work. It’s literally a 9 minute walk but there’s this hill that I absolutely dread every time. It’s really not a big hill but for me it has been a challenge. So as I am walking up that hill I was praying about how I didn’t like the hill and the Lord reminded me of something that was said to me not too long ago about how when things get hard I tend to stop and withdraw. Ouch! The reality of that truth hit me hard.

I began to think about the hard things that I’ve endured in my life as I considered the idea of change. When I encounter change that is hard I tend to quit, give up or stay stagnant. Well life changes all the time. We have to either roll with it or we do become stagnant and quite frankly stagnant water stinks. When I was living under tremendous stress from abuse it took me a while to get out from under it because even though the situation was difficult it was something I thought I could control. I didn’t know what would happen if I just stepped out of that situation. All the “what if’s” were flooding my mind. What if I can’t get away fast enough? What if he finds me? What if something worse happens? What if I can’t find another man? What if I can’t handle raising my kids by myself? What if_______?

I have to wonder how many women stay in abusive situations because it is just so much easier to endure than to change. I remember the first day I spent at a domestic violence shelter. I wouldn’t speak to anyone there with the exception of the staff. My head hung down and I never looked up to speak to anyone when they tried to talk to me. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to have my life turned upside down. I just wanted to go back home to the life I was used to and even though it was difficult I knew the routines. I knew how to walk on eggshells and I was familiar with playing the game of pretending that I was happy. Now I was in this house with 8 other women who had their own stories. It took me three days before I was able to talk to anyone. There was a sweet woman on staff who took me aside and forced me to look at myself in the mirror. She challenged me to say I love you to the reflection that stared back at me all battered and bruised. I couldn’t say it. I cried. She challenged me to keep going back to that mirror until I could say it. It took a while but a few days later I said it. That simple act helped me to begin to speak with the other women.

It would be many years before I could truly look in the mirror and say I love you to myself. Even though I was able to say it back then at the shelter and it helped a little bit the real change of beginning to love myself didn’t start to take affect on my life until I began to surrender my life to Jesus. Still it took another several years for me to really understand love and to receive love.

All these memories came flooding into my mind that breezy beautiful morning three weeks ago as I walked up that hill. When I got to the top of the hill I smiled and yelled “Thank You Jesus”.  I walked the rest of the way with a quickness in my step and a smile on my face as I realized that just as I had conquered the hill that morning I could conquer anything because truly I can do all things through Christ. So I planned to write this blog post that day and somehow I just couldn’t get it together. The result of that day and then the candlelight vigil the next day began a journey of self discovery over the past three weeks. Now that I have finally finished this entry I believe I can go on to share some of the lessons I have had over this short period of time. I will continue to talk about change in the next post.

God bless each and every one of you that has read this blog today. I would appreciate your feedback.