In my last blog I shared about my journey back to the pit of depression that started this past June. I shared an excerpt from my personal journal and today I am going to share another excerpt. As I said before please keep in mind that this is just from my own thoughts and I am sure there are others who have desperate thoughts even more or less severe than what I experienced. My goal is to bring awareness to this harsh reality that plagues people every day. My next blog will focus on the healing process after going through this hard depression.
July 6, 2015
These feelings are like a snake that slithers around my body and squeezes the life out of me. It’s up to my neck and stifling my breathing. How can I go on? How can I break free. My eyes are sore from crying and my heart is shattered. I’m empty, alone and scared. I’m surrounded by people who love me and they say things that should help me but they fall to the ground because my ears cannot retain them.
You love me? Why? I’m horrible. I cannot go on. Don’t you see my pain? My struggle? My ugliness is so unbelievable. Don’t look at me with tears in your eyes. It chokes me and causes me pain. I don’t want to hurt you. Just look away and let me be. Just let me sink. I’m not worth the effort. I’m not worth the time. You might get this snake off me today but it will just come back and choke me again. It will cause me to fall back into the miry pit again and again. I just want to go home. I want to be free from this torment. I can’t take it anymore and I don’t know how to answer your questions. It’s too painful. It’s too ugly and I can’t speak the words. Look away. Just look away.